Maybe that phrase has fallen out of use over the years, but the meaning behind it still holds true. It is safe, maybe too safe, when you choose someone who is a carbon copy of yourself — or worse, someone you have cobbled together into what you think you want.

There is a tendency in our lives to constantly want to move faster. We have a society obsessed with speed and efficiency. We can’t waste time. If a date is at all not up to par, we want to move on immediately. We’re getting older. We have all these wants (marriage, family, money) and can’t get bogged down with getting to know someone, spending time together, that old-time stuff like courting and sparking.

But those rituals of slow acclimatization to one another had valid reasoning behind them. People invested time and immersed themselves in the process. When they chose to part, it was because they had meaningful reasons to not continue on together. Reasons not at all like the design of their website or that they did not dress fashionably enough.

Homogeny is not as exciting as difference. It doesn’t challenge us. There is no opportunity to learn anything new, to grow as a person. You essentially choose a “yes” man by selecting a mate who shares all of your likes and dislikes, all of your values. And doing so may not reflect well on your ability to demonstrate tolerance, to accept new ideas or to defend your own beliefs.

Getting to Know You…Getting to Know All About You…
What dating science can tell us for sure is that the less you know about one another, the better. This holds true in the positive and the negative. It gives you more terrain to explore together, more to learn about one another and fodder for interesting conversations. It also prevents you from taking that one step too far.

Research has found a cascade effect takes place where, once a single objectionable trait has been noticed, it is more likely that subsequent ones will catch our attention. It is as if a bubble bursts, and other traits, which may be less damaging, are viewed just as harshly, seen as compounding evidence that a relationship is doomed.

So, the more a person finds out about you in the beginning, the greater chance that they’ll discover something about you to dislike. With precious little glue in the relationship to bind you together during the early stages, these small faults may cause the potential relationship to crumble. Even if they are minor (sometimes ridiculously so), without enough emotional force to counter them, they are easily blown out of proportion.

Forgo the Fantasy
Part of the secret to overcoming this tendency to find fault is to relinquish the fantasy of finding a perfect soul mate. Let’s face facts. None of us is perfect. None. Zero. If you are projecting this expectation onto a date, you are dooming yourself to failure. People cannot live up to an ideal where no one ever says a hurtful thing or believes something you find objectionable.

We are more than the sum of our parts. Lists of aspects of our selves — such as how many partners we’ve had, what kinds of jobs we’ve held — no matter how long and detailed, are not all-inclusive. They manage to somehow lose the person behind them, described within them.

We tend to think our own judgment is best, infallible, however, it is really easy for us to imagine things about a potential partner that either aren’t true or aren’t really there. These projections of what we want or secretly desire cause us to construct in our minds a person who is not necessarily anything like the real person whose profile we have in front of us.

This is one more argument in support of honesty and specificity in your profile. You provide potential dates one less bump in the road to overcome later, one less expectation which may go unfulfilled or be used to build an unreal vision of who you are.

Shock Therapy
We all grow and change as people. What you want now is likely radically different than what you wanted for yourself or in a partner five, ten or twenty years ago. Imagine yourself trapped in a life with the partner you considered ideal in high school, in college, in your twenties or thirties. It makes no more sense to attempt to create a “perfect” person (from matching traits) for who you are in your current dating life. Very likely over time you will both change — and not necessarily along the same lines.

What Do I Do?
It is best to temper expectations when approaching a new relationship. Silence that judgmental part of yourself. Explore on your own/within yourself why you may obsess over a particular facet of your partner’s personality or find it sufficiently negative to question moving forward. Many times, if you are willing to look deep enough, you’ll find that the problem does not lie with the other person, it is the result of your own insecurities.

Stick it out, and try to understand more about your date. Try being forgiving and open and see what develops. You may have to pretend to it at first, it may sting your pride a little, but tell yourself you will ignore any strong feeling of dislike you experience regarding any part of the other person’s lifestyle or choices (as long as it doesn’t threaten your health or safety).

For example, say to yourself: Those are his music choices, I have my own. Those are the ways she spends her money, I have mine. You don’t have to agree. And there is no need to identify yourself with them, take control of them or take responsibility for them. Like the mountains, they simply are.

Resources

Online Dating: Why it Fails
Jeanna Bryner
12 February 2007

Why Perfect Dates Make Lousy Partners
LiveScience Staff
12 February 2008

Photo by Angi Unruh @ http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=3018249

I recently saw an article that listed unequivocally the types of guys to avoid dating. While that may make for a quick read on break, a cute way to grab the attention of readers, is the act of negating entire categories of people from your dating pool really a good idea, a strategy that makes sense or even a nice thing to do? Let’s review some of these supposed losers…

Living at Home
There are a million reasons why a son or daughter would still reside with extended family–and not anywhere near all of them are negative. Some provide care for elderly family members or live in conditions that make childcare easier and readily available. Some have suffered from the effects of economic downturn, but others are savvy and saving money by sharing space.

Living at home or living with parents should not be a deal breaker. We have roommates, why not parent roommates? Family relationships differ. Not all of us had to rebel and escape. If you can trust your mom to help cover rent and not steal your food, you’re already ahead in the roommate game. People live together for safety, for security and out of love. How can you fault them for that?

Technology Obsessed
It is easy to find dates who are perennially distracted by technology. Most people are. Still, some of the distractions are more obnoxious and hard to live with than others. If you find that, for either of you, checking email or answering calls is taking the focus away from your together time, agree to turn off the devices or place limits on interruptions. Indulge together and then both of you put down the phone and slowly, back away.

Fashion Forward
There’s no reason to be snotty about a guy who knows fashion and is willing to share his opinion. If he understands the importance of a Choo shoe, he’ll be more likely to understand your need to get to that sale or the lure of window shopping.

It’s one thing if he’s judgmental, another if he is simply informed. Use your tools. You’ll be better turned out for it and he’ll have something to contribute. Win-win.

Jocks, Athletes and the Image Conscious
We shouldn’t group people into narrow categories simply because they seem to fit a stereotype. Bodybuilders aren’t dumb; muscle doesn’t equal muscleheaded. A woman who cares about how she looks isn’t necessarily vain. Some people may act or dress a certain way due to lack of exposure to anything different, a reluctance to change or in order to fit in where they spend the majority of their time.

Maybe you can help them break out of their rut. Then again, maybe they don’t bother worrying about what their choice in shoes or handbags say to the world. Who does that make more backward—-them for failure to care or you for caring so much about something that frivolous?

And if you find yourself being picked over or micromanaged by someone who believes that one small aspect of your life or wardrobe should render you undatable, thank them and walk away. You don’t need that kind of narrow-minded focus in your life. Be who you are. Celebrate your individuality.

A Last Word…
True, stereotypes may come from common experience and shared characteristics exist–and maybe buried in them is a small grain of truth–but you have to take each individual as they come. You may have to dig a little to find it, but people are all unique.

If you spend all your time making cutting remarks and wittily finding fault, prepare to enjoy your own company. The rest of us will be out here dating and experiencing life. It isn’t always stylish or perfectly groomed, but it is varied and beautiful, and I for one am thankful.

Resources:
Five Types of Guys to Avoid at All Costs
Yahoo Shine
Oct 8, 2009

Photo by jumblejet @ http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=3881761

If you hope to find a certain type of partner to keep you company, it may help if you date to the person you’re seeking. What do I mean? That if you hope for a lady who prefers quiet nights at home to partying on the town, a bar or social gathering may not be the place to find her. If you like a guy who knows how to hold a conversation, what better place to look than an online dating site?

While this may seem common sense, if you consider how many of your single friends spend their days lamenting the lack of eligible and interesting prospects and their nights in a club, where there is little hope of making a more serious connection with people you meet, maybe the need to restate the idea becomes a bit clearer.

If religion is important in your life, you probably want to find a mate who shares that moral, spiritual viewpoint. You could spend your time in church, where meeting others may have to wait for a scheduled social event, one where all of the other available men and women will be competing for attention, or you could simply write an intriguing paragraph on your beliefs and desires, post it to your profile and then let people find you–as you are out looking through the site for them, even while you are offline.

If you are an adventurous person, looking for someone to share your love of extreme sports, outdoor exploration or who values the importance of fitness, put it out there. Boast about your greatest adventure or must-have piece of gear and ask for input. Offer to talk about trails you know or waterways you’ve traveled.

Are you a gamer who spends hours a day in a make believe universe of unusual characters and thrilling quests? Well, so are millions of other people. Gamers are not limited to young single guys; we are all ages and from all walks of life. Instead of trying to chat up someone on a public channel or hoping you encounter a sexy avatar out in the Badlands among the black dragons, announce your game of choice or preferred game style and see who strikes up a conversation.

Pet lovers, you can meet not only through your pet of choice, but by listing the breed you love, your rescue work or that you’re looking to make a dog lover out of a cat person (or vice versa). If your companions are exotic, let us know. Maybe there is a lady out there who always wondered what it took to love an iguana, or the man who loves an iguana.

If you’re into networking, there’s no reason you can’t combine business with pleasure. Make new connections for your startup and perhaps they will work out to produce more than greater income. Include a bit in your profile about the importance of work or business in your life and the type of person you’d like to reach.

Spent time in the armed forces? You may connect well with someone who shared your military experience, travel and exposure to foreign cultures. List your branch of service, rank or location of deployment. The qualities that made you a good fit for service may be just the thing to recommend you to a certain someone.

These ideas are ways to do more than just meet a date, they are ways to make friends. They make your dating site a place where you can find friendship as well as companionship. Meet people who will say hello when they see you’re around and with whom you can chat between encounters. Fellow daters can be a great source of support. They’ve been there. They are there.

You also never know where such a friendship may lead. If a man or woman gets to know you and enjoys your friendship, companionship may be a natural next step. She will see you aren’t just out to bug her for photos. He will see you have a curious mind and pleasant personality.

It’s a mystery who may be that next important person in our lives. Be open and friendly, make use of all of the resources at your disposal.

Photo by: zabara_tango http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=2277802

According to a recent New York Times article, research has shown that single women prefer attached men by a significant margin over unattached men, a phenomenon referred to as mate poaching. The women who conducted the study gave a couple of possible reasons for this behavior. They believed it was possibly due to the male having been pre-screened or accepted by another female and having shown he could commit. These are not hard conclusions drawn from a part of the study, however.

My theory? Single women may be looking for a man who is a challenge, forbidden fruit. Perhaps they are working from a place of jealousy, wanting to stop a fellow woman from having what the single woman does not have.

It’s all speculation. None of these reasons were tested, only the behavior in a controlled situation. It may not be possible to find a specific motivation; as human beings, we operate from such a complicated and interwoven set of behaviors, influenced by societal, biological, genetic and psychological bases (to name only a few), that it may not be possible to comb through the tangle and separate each strand.

There may be a number of factors affecting such choices and they may have nothing to do with what modern men or women consider reasons to select a mate. We are driven by unseen, subconscious and instinctive factors when it comes to selecting a person of interest. Women in the study may be working from age old patterns left to us from our ancestors.

Then again, perhaps they are working from a very shallow place, where what another has is what is most valuable, a form of envy or keeping up with the Joneses taken into new territory. It could be that there is a part of us that we’re born with and never grow out of, a child-like need to have the toy that our playmate has, one that loses its value the moment the goods change hands.

What the study could teach us is that cheating (from full blown affairs to simply finding another person attractive) may be out of our control and so perhaps shouldn’t be viewed in such a fatalistic manner or subject to puritanical rules. If we have multiple biological urges toward straying, perhaps what is wrong is an unnatural commitment to a single mate for a lifetime.

Maybe we need to have a serious discussion about whether monogamy truly serves our individual or collective needs. It may be time to establish a new set of rules. If what was created before, the old portrait of marriage, came to be accepted, we could learn to accept something new. If the majority disagree, well, it really is up to each couple where they set the boundaries and the rest is no one else’s business.

The original study is published in The Journal of Experimental Social Psychology (a PDF of the full article is provided by following a link within the NYT story) and makes an interesting read, including similar research previously conducted in the field.

Resources

Do Single Women Seek Attached Men?
By John Tierney
August 13, 2009

Photo by GollyGforce @ http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=6964765&s=1#top

A recent article on love at first sight referenced a study published in Genetics where researchers discussed mate choices in fruit flies. Experiments found that the flies have a genetic component which influences their choice of mates. Sadly, the article attempting to tie this science to love at first sight in humans suffered from its attempt to be a bit sensationalistic. The research itself revealed nothing relevant in that regard.

Recently we have learned about science backing away from many previous attempts to extrapolate results from insect and animal studies for application to human behavior. However, the research offers a tantalizing opportunity for debate: what if there is a genetic component to the choices we make in selecting a mate?

Hidden influences
So much of our own behavior goes unrecognized; when we present with complex mental disorders, we require the help of an experienced psychiatrist to unravel the issues. Even when we make personal decisions, we usually do so without clear understanding of what motivates our choices. How, then, could we expect to recognize the influence of an unseen genetic effect upon our behavior?

I posit that we could not recognize such an influence. Further, that if we were to somehow feel or sense it, we would be more likely to explain it away as a personal preference, much like women who claim to like tall men or those gentlemen who prefer blondes.

The impact on dating
If we had such a component and could test for its presence and effects, what would this mean in regard to dating? Well, if I picture a future where I could send off a cheek swab, receive the results from a lab, and through them understand that I have a genetic predisposition to choose (let’s say, for the sake of arguing) hairy men, what might I do?

If I was aware of this information before I began to date, I could factor it in. As I perused various online profiles, I could pay more attention or sole attention to men with hairy descriptions. If I was not aware until after I was dating, while I may be subtly more attracted to hairy men, would I stop dating the very nice man I am seeing who is relatively not hairy? Maybe, maybe not.

Part of the outcome would depend on how vital, how powerful this genetic component would be as an influence. I would have to face the possibility that I might find a hairy mate at a later time, one who I would find more attractive or who would fit me better. Certainly the awareness of my genetic predisposition itself would have an effect on my future behavior.

Where we can see something similar at work
I think at this moment, where any such variable or research is far in the future, the best example of this situation in the actual dating community would relate to cultural or religious differences. There are definite pressures to choose a partner of the same background or belief, but those can be overcome, to various degrees of success. And there are those who would rebel against any pressure for rebellion’s sake alone.

As humans, we have such complex influences on our lives that it seems having one more small piece of the larger puzzle is not going to show us the big picture; it isn’t going to draw a nice, bold line between how this girl happened to meet this guy and embark upon a relationship. The factors involved are simply too many, too intricate and labyrinthine, to draw uncontestable conclusions.

The mystery is part of the magic
We should enjoy the sense of freedom this gives us as mature adults to decide our own fate. We have choices. We can anticipate a wonderful variety of people out there awaiting our friendship and company. We can be open to new experiences, new types of people, potential partners of every stripe.

If science was able to dissect the sensations, the chemistry or genetic predisposition to love, would it make the feeling, the emotion, any less valuable in our lives? If you want to believe in love at first sight, if you feel you have had the experience, embrace and treasure it. If not, you still have the chance to see what the fuss is all about. Guys and girls are waiting right now for an email from a new contact… Quickly, before science ruins it all!

Additional Resources
e! Science News
Biology & Nature
Tuesday, April 7, 2009
Source: Federation of American Societies for Experimental Biology
Is love at first sight real? Geneticists offer tantalizing clues

Genetics (a publication of the Genetics Society of America)
Volume 181, 1273-1280
April 2009
Lisa A. McGraw, Greg Gibson, Andrew G. Clark and Mariana F. Wolfner
Strain-Dependent Differences in Several Reproductive Traits Are Not Accompanied by Early Postmating Transcriptome Changes in Female Drosophila melanogaster

Federation of American Societies for Experimental Biology

Photo by lisasolonynko http://www.morguefile.com/archive/display/222979

While neither study was perfectly constructed, the former came to far more solid conclusions, ones which may shed some light on a bias that has long existed in the dating environment—that women are choosy and men are not (at least, not as much) in partner selection–a perception which has affected both sexes throughout dating history and possibly compromised opportunities in all our dating lives at some point.

The latter study has many flaws, but brings up a few points for discussion. Boiled down, the study found that, where one-night stands are concerned, men become less choosy and women raise their standards. That said, the willingness of women to engage in the behavior at all was extremely low, not just compared to the male response, but in general.

The researchers themselves mention a definite cultural bias to the reactions of respondents. The study was conducted in London and included U.S., German and Italian students. Still, the results are surprising, considering the manner in which casual sex is portrayed in the media, particularly on television and in the movies. Either students are reluctant to report their true tendencies, students in London (or possibly at the schools from which these students were chosen) have a completely different level of participation in these encounters than we understand or we are being fed some very inaccurate information about our own behavior.

One important issue with the study–participants were asked to imagine their potential partner. These partners were rated as exceptionally attractive, moderately attractive or slightly unattractive. The participants were then asked to rate the likelihood that they would agree to go out with, to the apartment of, or to bed with that imaginary person.

Women reported an average rating of 8 for likely agreement to visit the apartment of/engage in casual sex with an exceptionally attractive man and approximately 2 for a slightly unattractive man. Women scored a 4 as an overall average response rating to a sex request alone. Compare that to the average male response of 46. This was on a scale of 0 (no chance) to 100 (absolutely). Judging from my experience of humanity, I wonder if the women were thinking of specific people from their past when reporting and whether men had imaginations gone wild.

Depending on how you look at the results, you could draw many conclusions. They may not be correct conclusions, but that is demonstrative of how loose numbers can be taken (or twisted) to mean many things. Maybe women have far more complex reasons for agreeing to everything from dating to casual sex; perhaps attractiveness is very low on the spectrum for women. I don’t think that’s completely true, but it is something the numbers seem to support. Men should be shouting out their relief.

I don’t know, to me, there is a big difference among going out, going over for a glass of wine and agreeing to sex. I would expect a large difference in reported numbers (I don’t yet have access to the full study, only what has been eked out to generate interest). Perhaps the women involved were hearing only the sex portion of that offer (or reading between the lines and considering it to be implied) and that lowered their scores in general.

Many studies, these two included, draw upon a population of students to act as participants. Students are easy because you can find a group of them in one location, usually willing to trade a couple of hours for some quick cash. However, constant use of college students is also a flaw in studies. Studies with greater merit draw from a cross section of society (unless the specific focus of the study is behavior in college students or people of that age group).

College age men and women are likely to base any of their decisions on a wholly different set of experiences, values, norms and reasoning than groups younger or older. Being in college may also affect the choices made or the choices reported (which, remember, may differ largely from actual behavior in real world situations). College students do not draw upon the same experiences as those who lack higher education or who have moved beyond it, often have not (fully) experienced the working world and live in a more insular environment. Their age range is usually from late teens to early twenties, a time in life where dating choice and attractiveness may both be considered optimal but where decisions may not be as well-rounded. Certainly they are not as affected by the perception of time–as pressure increases regarding age, marriage, the biological clock–as more mature daters.

In studies like the one where people were asked to imagine and report on moral (sexual) behavior, participants may be reluctant to report their true choice if it may make them appear to be immoral or potentially cause embarrassment. A student may be affected, for example, by the gender, age or appearance of the person conducting the study or explaining the scenario.

Sadly, not all science is good science. You can’t always trust what a study says because sometimes it is based on a faulty technique or it fails to control elements which could affect the results. You also can’t trust what a media headline reports regarding the result of a study. Many sites and sources tend to dress up or sex up the meaning or take the results to an extreme to draw in readers.

The more interesting article covered research which found that women are not necessarily as picky as has been reported. A new study has revealed a flaw in how many other dating studies have been conducted. Because of a cultural bias regarding gender norms, when groups were presented with speed dating/rotation dating situations, women were primarily allowed to sit while men circulated from area to area.

This turns out to be an important influencing factor upon behavior. The study revealed that no matter the gender, the person allowed to remain seated during the rotations was the more choosy of the pair. The study did find that women are more selective than men in general, but that this may be due to a number of hidden factors, ones not controlled for in many studies. Also, the expectation that men act as initiators in dating may explain some of the numbers.

Our own rules and modes of conduct (and those of our culture and society) may be producing these effects in our interactions. We ourselves are to blame for all that men go through regarding approaching a female. We put the pressure squarely on his shoulders. Society has made him bear the burden alone for decades. But this seems to be slowly changing with each generation.

I’d like to go a step further in exploring the research and question whether it is being put in the position of having to approach several members of the opposite sex in turn that makes the people who are rotating (and so expected to visit everyone at least once or to rotate according to a set procedure) more open, more likely to agree to see any of the other people again. At the very least, it could work hand in hand with the reported effect that those who remained seated and who experienced being approached repeatedly felt that they could be more selective.

If so, this is yet another artificial environment. However, those who enter such a setting can use the knowledge to their benefit. Any of you considering speed dating in the near future? Claim that seated position for best results. Those whose experiences fall outside of that setting may have no use for what was revealed.

Resources/Further Reading:

Men Not Choosy in One-Night Stands
Jeanna Bryner
11 August 2009

Study Questions Whether Women Are More Selective at Dating
John M. Grohol, PSYD
29 September 2009

Photo by At~A~Glance @ http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=312928

Hey, congratulations! You’ve made it this far! You like each other, you’ve shared a few moments, some entertaining conversations. Now you have to face that next hurdle. Don’t panic. The hard part is over. You found one another. You’ve already overcome awkward moments and first responses.

Things don’t need to be perfect or go completely as agreed upon to be a success. Some of the most memorable occasions occur precisely because the unexpected happened. Compromises had to be made, plans changed and those involved came to realize all over again that it is the people who matter, the ability to be together, not the outing or event.

Take a breath
The simplest action is the one we always seem to remember last, if at all. Deep breathing slows everything down. The effort calms your nervous system and triggers a cascade of biological responses that help relax your entire body. Take long, slow sips of air through your nose, hold your breath for a beat, then let everything go.

Hold on to each other
Remember, you’re both in the same situation. You’re not in this alone–you’re there together, because you want to be. Reach out to your new partner. Hug it out. Spend some quiet time in the comfort of each others’ arms while the nervous energy dissipates. There’s no hurry. You have the rest of your lives to experience everything that follows and only that one first moment together.

Words aren’t necessary
If you fear you’ll become tongue tied, unable to get out even a small rehearsed speech, let silence speak for you. Especially in an emotionally overwhelming moment, neither of you is likely to remember what was said. Stand close, communicate nonverbally, through touch.

Don’t be embarrassed
Any signs of nervous expectation will be appreciated by your partner as excitement at his arrival and anticipation of the time you’ll spend together. Your partner will likely be too preoccupied by her own feelings to notice if you falter.

Look away
Even as tiny babies, our brains became overloaded with sensory input at times. Thankfully, our brains gave us a way to handle that stress. We require moments where we disengage, stop some of the flow of information and emotional reaction. Take a moment every now and then to simply look away if things start to feel like too much to handle. Reconnect after a short break.

Think ahead
If too much face to face time right away is too overwhelming to consider, plan to spend the first portion of your time together in the presence of a shared distraction. Even something as basic as a walk through the park or going for coffee can give you that little bit of normalcy, something outside yourselves to deflect a little of the pressure and attention.

Reduce the pressure
Schedule your first meeting as a low key event. Don’t plan to get too dressy or go anywhere fancy. Focus on being yourselves. You won’t have to agonize (as much) over finding the right thing to wear or remembering proper manners. The meeting itself will hold enough importance that it won’t require any accompaniment.

Take a moment
If you need a moment, take a moment–to catch your breath, to think, to calm down. Excuse yourself. Head to the restroom or around the corner and busy yourself with something else for a couple of minutes. Refresh your lipstick, splash some cool water on your face. You don’t need a reason or explanation, simply say you’ll be right back.

Plan your time
Make a few loose, open-ended plans for the day or evening. This will eliminate the chance of coming upon a dead spot where you run out of things to say or you need a break from the intensity of the contact. Choose a nearby place to go to hang out, something easy to prepare or order to eat, a movie or television show or game to offer. Even if you never need them, knowing your fall backs are there will help ease your mind.

Think about your partner
If the meeting is at your place, do some basic cleaning—for your peace of mind and your partner’s comfort. Have a few basic items on hand, like an extra toothbrush or her brand of coffee. A few familiar touches or items which may have been forgotten in the excitement of the moment may help your partner feel more relaxed and at home.

Timing
Try to meet from midday to early evening. Too early or too late and one or both of you may be too exhausted from nerves and the need for sleep to get the most out of your meeting. This also leaves more options open to you for gradually becoming accustomed to each other before retreating indoors.

Have a backup plan
Arrange a way to get in touch or discuss what you’ll do if you somehow miss each other. Just in case of traffic or a flight delay, your loved one won’t be standing alone, wondering what went wrong, thinking the worst.

Photo by ninjaneil902 @ everystockphoto http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=806138

You know what they say about opinions…Well, it seems like nowadays everyone has a blog as well. And we should be able to say what we want. After all, this is America—home of free speech, the First Amendment. That said, is it OK to blog about a date? Can we? We’ve established we can. But should we?

Sure, we’ve all had funny, tragic and unbelievable experiences while going out (and staying in), but do we have the moral right to write about the other person involved? What if the stories that entertain and drive readers to our pages steal away the privacy and well-being of another?

Dating may happen in public places, witnessed off and on by other people, but it is still a private matter. The very nature of a date is two people coming together in a mutual atmosphere of trust, letting down their guard and attempting to get to know one another. Most daters don’t broadcast their conversations beyond an intimate circle of two or gathering of close friends.

When we know we’re being watched, our behavior changes. We say things we wouldn’t otherwise and don’t say things we might in a different situation. In a dating situation, such a barrier becomes one more social hurdle to overcome. And it just may doom any chance for romance or a relationship if your date has any expectation that you will be essentially gossiping over the world’s largest fence to millions of neighbors about what transpires.

Goofy date movies may have hardened some of us to the feelings involved, but these are real people we’re talking about. People with families and jobs and self respect that could be shattered by an unflattering post. No matter how thoughtless or stupid a person’s behavior, it all stems from experiences and lessons learned along the way. Some of us haven’t had the best teachers or the best classrooms. Even for those among us who are purposefully dense, there are better methods than abject humiliation to suggest they change their ways.

Blogging about an unimpressive date may be the worst kind of Mean Girl behavior because adults should know better, be able to predict possible consequences of their behavior and choices. Dating and love can be very raw subjects–the emotions involved, issues of self-confidence and ego. You don’t hurt another person for your own gain. That is a lesson we’re all taught as kids, though some of us don’t quite absorb the information–or feel the empathy.

If you must blog, there are a few guidelines which may temper any ill-effects or bad feelings:

Be Upfront
Let your dates know you keep a blog and the typical information you disseminate through it, specifically if their lives may become fodder for your statistics. It’s only fair. Be aware that your dates will likely alter their behavior if they know they’re under scrutiny, if there’s the potential that their every word may be shared with the world at large. Wouldn’t you become more circumspect?

Change the Names to Protect the Innocent
Leave out names, innocent or not so much. No matter how tempting it may be to call out that guy for his boorish behavior or the girl who recounted for you such awesomely bad choices, it isn’t quite fair to do so. Tell the story if you must, but allow the subject the protection of anonymity, at the very least. Maybe they’ll learn from seeing their actions in print, but no one deserves to have him/herself put out there to become the object of scorn, ridicule or stalking.

Let Your Subject Have the First Peek
To be nice, if possible, run the telling by the other person before you publish. Maybe they will see the humor in it, maybe not. At least you will have the opportunity to hear any objections before the story is out there and difficult to get back.

Don’t Mention It
If the tale mentions your date’s children or other innocent parties, either find a way to leave them out or omit the tale altogether.

Don’t Get Personal
Revealing details about your date’s anatomy or inner landscape not readily on view to any bypasser on the street should be out of bounds. Our private parts are private. If we share them with you, regardless of the reason or situation, you shouldn’t shame us for it.

I love a good story as much as anyone, but I also know I have said and done things in the past that I am glad are not written down in the public record for anyone at all to come along and read. I’m fairly sure every single one of your readers out there has similar tidbits floating around in their history. Before you self-publish, ask yourself, if someone was writing this about you, would it be as funny? What if your mother had to read it? Your children? And then decide if you still want to hit that Enter key.

Photo by twenty_questions @ http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=2508576

Congratulations! You’ve done it. You made it through the process, someone liked what they saw and now you have a bite. But, the initial excitement of receiving an email is quickly overcome by concern. How quickly should you reply? Forget your words, what will the timing of your response say to your person of interest?

The speed of your response may drastically affect the flow of conversation. If you reply immediately, will you be viewed as too eager? If you put it off, will your match lose interest? With the stress building, writing a simple email starts to feel like diffusing a live bomb—one mistake and your whole relationship can blow up in your face.

While it may feel like there is a fine line to walk, the reality is far less scary or fraught with danger. Response is not a time-sensitive issue. The timing, it turns out, is less about when and more about if. If you reciprocate, return the email at your convenience, your chances are good that matters will proceed favorably.

The Berkeley study Who’s Right and Who Writes: People, Profiles, Contacts and Replies in Online Dating found that response times were very similar between genders. Men took an average of 19 hours to reply and women an average of 16 hours.

The study measured what choosing to wait would cost a respondent. Researchers found that the chance that your initial contact will respond with another message drops by less than one percent per day that you delay (on average). After a month, you have about a 20 percent less chance that the person who made contact will continue to stay in touch.

Those numbers aren’t bad considering that, over the course of a month, the interested party will have been sending out and receiving other emails. The risk you take by waiting is that your interested party will move on in the meantime and find another, equally suitable but more attentive option. Or that he/she will feel slighted by the amount of time you took to get back in touch. Either way, unless you have a valid reason to delay, you are only compromising your own chances by playing hard to get.

The study found that there is no such thing as too rapid a reply when it comes to the dating scene. Think about it. Nearly all of us, no matter where we are, check our email and messages at least once per day. The person on the receiving end doesn’t know if you were multi-tasking, efficiently responding as the message came in or desperately hovering over your inbox.

The person who writes you knows you’re looking, so why play coy? By all means, take the time to gather your thoughts, re-read what your contact said, perhaps peruse the profile before you hit send. Beyond that, breathe deeply and relax, reply with confidence that you will not be perceived as desperate or overly eager.

By responding without delay, you show the other person that his/her reaching out to you meant something, was valued enough to garner a well-timed response. You are more likely to be seen as a caring, thoughtful individual, even if at heart you are acting as a wise consumer, someone who knows better than to let an opportunity pass by.

Resources:
Who’s Right and Who Writes: People, Profiles, Contacts and Replies in Online Dating
University of California, Berkeley: School of Information/Department of Psychology
Fiore, Taylor, Zhong, Mendelsohn, Cheshire

Photo by Photo by Ghostboy @ http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=1002499

First of all, let me state for the record that not all women are the same. Our relationships with friends both male and female differ as widely as we do personally, but let us assume some generalizations as we delve into what women are saying to one another–and about you.

Yes, they probably talk about you
The good: Talking to others allows women to relieve pressures and solve problems. Some women depend on a sort of group mind to overcome personal issues. We bounce ideas and situations off one another and so come to understand what is normal or acceptable. We get help by brainstorming ideas and working through potential solutions before we try them on you. Instead of saving up anger, resentment or frustration and blowing up at home, we get it out with our girlfriends.

We reduce the stress of keeping our feelings and opinions inside by talking to trusted friends. We have a relationship with our closest friends that is as dependable, loving and deeply personal as the one we share with you, our boyfriends/partners/husbands. We feel comfortable with them, intimate. We aren’t out actively trying to betray a trust.

The bad: Women probably shouldn’t bring serious, personal issues outside of the sphere of the couple. Any discussion involving potentially embarrassing matters, health or sexual health issues, or troubles that belong solely to the partner not doing the talking should be omitted from conversation. That said, they probably won’t be. Issues that deep and influential beg to be talked about.

Couples should have their own discussion about where boundaries will be drawn if there are any concerns. Each partner should respect the feelings of the other and respect any rules on sharing. Men gossip, too–though often not about the same topics, so guys should be aware of their own lapses.

The topics are juicy
The good: Juicy stories often have a short lifespan. Yes, when you first hear that new tidbit of gossip, it can be shocking, but the message quickly begins to depreciate, losing its entertainment value. Once a tale is out there, it is old news immediately, competing with every other story in the world around us.

Few of us have incidents titillating enough to overwhelm what infotainment news sources can dig up. Daily responsibilities, our incoming texts, email, Twitter–they’re all in competition for our time. What was your story again? No matter how embarrassing the details, people are already beginning to forget what it was they heard about you.

The bad: If you travel in the same small circle of shared friends and don’t have separate girls’ nights/boys’ nights, the chances of your story coming up in conversation increases. This may destroy any natural limits the tale has on coming back to your buddies. It may be used against you at every opportunity, in every dumb joke, until the next victim comes along. If you have a classy group of friends, they’ll probably at least wait until you’re out of earshot to make the jokes.

The story may be one-sided
The good: Women will freely discuss (and quickly point out) their own and one another’s shortfalls. We tend to share to make each other jealous or to celebrate our good fortune. Because we will share both good and bad information about our lives, it is equally likely (if you’re a thoughtful and nice guy) that as many positive examples are being shared as negative.

The bad: If the story is about you, you may not come off looking good. A woman seeking sympathy while sharing a nagging problem isn’t necessarily going to tell her friends about what she did leading up to the incident. After all, she doesn’t want them gossiping about her. She may feel free to tell everything you did wrong–especially if she is a bit at fault–in order to dress up her own side. Plus, it makes a better story.

The damage done
The good: Do you really care if her girlfriends know you snore or have athlete’s foot? Even if the topic is something like her suspicion that you’re cheating, it makes you come off as a more mysterious and interesting fellow. After all, before, you were that guy on the Xbox who barely looked up when the gals came and went. Now, they wonder. You’ll get appraising looks, maybe even an offer. Laugh it off. Talk is cheap.

The bad: You probably do care if, for example, her girlfriends know you caught something from your old girlfriend. In the worst case scenario, try to see the positives. You had a former girlfriend (and some good times, it would seem). The rest, eh. We have bodies, we make mistakes, stuff happens. If her judgment regarding sharing is suspect, have a talk about it. Otherwise, don’t waste your time worrying and wondering. People are going to think what they think. You have better things to do.

If you have made it far enough to have her talking about you (to have anyone talking about you), you have made an impact. A woman can’t get passionately detailed in her gossip unless she is involved. And if she is that involved, she is passionate about you. We don’t go out of our way to tell our friends about some random person we met today. We talk about the people who are in our lives, influencing our emotions and stirring up drama. Enjoy the spotlight.

Photo by clarita @ http://www.morguefile.com/archive/display/84825