Sexual roadblocks are temporary, far from insurmountable, but removing them takes acts of selflessness, bravery, even foolhardiness. Are you up to the challenge?
Erectile Dysfunction
Number one, have patience! Men can be very sensitive about this issue. I don’t think they should be. Partners are not allowed to demand that you perform on cue. And men shouldn’t feel pressured to take drugs or supplements with dangerous side effects.
Talk it out and talk to your doctor. If the issue is psychological or one of confidence, acting hurt, angry or insulted toward your partner is only going to compound the problem. If it is a medical or functional issue, encourage your partner to seek help when he’s ready.
There is sex beyond the penis. In fact, there are numerous ways to have sex without ever involving a penis. Make out, kiss, pet. Use toys, explore other bodily options. Pay no attention at all to the penis. Let your guy know: If it wants to join the party, it is welcome. If it never shows, you can have a lot of fun regardless.
Time
We have time. Don’t be ridiculous. Sex doesn’t require hours to complete, plan or implement. And the longer you wait, the less time it needs. If you are too preoccupied with television, email or your phone, you don’t want sex badly enough. Tell the truth. Time isn’t the real problem, motivation is.
Kids
Own your bedroom. It shouldn’t be a kid party. It is an adult area. You are allowed to have your own part of the house, your own privacy and an adult life. Clear out the toys, make the kids sleep in their own beds. Go nuts and redecorate to celebrate reclaiming a part of yourself. Make it a sanctuary. Make it a holy place, dedicated to worship of each other.
If your little intruders are persistent, install a simple lock and create privacy rules. Children thrive under rules. They won’t be stunted or traumatized by spending an hour reading quietly in their room while the adults share their own version of quiet time.
Her Reluctance
Women can be horny devils when the mood strikes, but we also have a problem with getting our head and hindquarters in the same place at the same time. Guys (or girls), you can be our heroes and get exactly what you want with only a small deception. We love massage. We love to be touched, rubbed, stroked. Get to a nonsexual part of your lady and make with the magic fingers.
Your mate may like her back rubbed (it’s a favorite, a classic), but there are some spots which are possibly even better. Rub her feet. Be gentle–at first. Besides the relaxation effect, there are nerve endings which run directly up into the fun zones from the sole of the foot.
Massage her scalp. Try not to pull the hair. Make gentle circles, work down to her neck and back up to the crown of her head. While her hair is in your hand, whisper in her ear or get a little rough.
If she just came from the gym, massage her glutes. They are a major muscle group, sure to be fatigued from a run or biking. And the movement of the rocking, the back and forth, begins to stimulate other regions as you massage.
My tip– no matter what you think about your technique, use your hands. A vibrating massager–those bizarre-looking massage tools–they are nice enough, but nothing beats those warm, manly hands, the flesh pressing into our skin… See what I mean?
Body Image/Shyness
It’s understandable that, with all of the media attention in our culture focused on appearance, we can sometimes forget we’re all human. Every one of us has flaws, some we see, some others see. Yet, I’m willing to bet there is someone out there willing to love every single one of you, regardless.
Should you be lucky enough to find him or her, don’t torture that person with endless guessing games about whether they believe you’re attractive. Why not take it as a given that you are the hottest thing walking? The great thing about shyness is that you can choose to get over it. You simply force yourself to do so.
Just that change in attitude can make all the difference in your sex life. There is an old form of energy training, an ancient Asian practice, where the practitioner sits and meditates upon an image of the god or goddess and then unites his or her own energy with that image. Take a note from that play book. Imagine yourself as a deity or imagine yourself as qualified partner to one. You exude sex, you own your body, you are free to be expressive. If you don’t feel it yet, you fake it till you make it. I promise, it works.
Her Orgasm
As a woman, I can relate to the frustration that sometimes accompanies the journey toward orgasm. It’s never quite the same problem twice. It’s nearly there, it’s gone. Sometimes it never gets started. Sometimes the intimacy is enough, but when those times outnumber the incidents of climax, a lady can get a little testy.
I’m modern. I believe my orgasm is not my partner’s responsibility, yet I also don’t think it’s fair that if he finishes, we are finished, if you know what I mean. Can we make some kind of rule? A simple reminder that there is sex outside the penis? We just talked about this.
I like the penis. The penis is great! But his departure does not mean the party is over–music off, lock up the liquor, everyone find your coats and keys. We ladies were just getting into a deep conversation over in the corner. We’re not ready to wrap it up.
Guys, if you could, at least make the offer to stick around. We can decline, and if we do, the pressure is off of you. You asked. And ladies, we could step up and demand that things change. If all of the sisterhood who could finish quick (and we have some pent up feelings to apply to this) jumped on your bones, got off, then got off, slapped your thigh and went for a beer…how many repeats would it take for you to get the message? Sex isn’t as much fun if you only ever make it half way.
Because we could put a calendar on the fridge and circle the dates with big red Os…Don’t make us get out the Sharpie.
Try Something New
I don’t mean candles or romantic music. I mean drag your mate out to the garage during the hottest part of the day, shut the door and get naked on the lawnmower. Hide little surprises under the pillow or mattress and sneak up on your partner during sex. A little lube here, an unexpected touch there. You could discover things you never knew about yourself, spots you never thought could be so fun.
Try Something Old
Explore classic works of erotica, like the writings of Anaïs Nin, for inspiration. Bondage is a wonderful torture because it is restraint in the face of the complete revelation and indulgence of sex. You needn’t tie one another up to discover the thrill. Return to the missionary position with a twist. Add some rules to make things more fun. No one is allowed to use ___. She has to lie completely still for ___. He can only do what you ask him to for the length of the session.
No Orgasm
Some of the most delicious fun you can have occurs when you remove the ultimate goal from the picture. This takes teamwork and dedication, but it is well worth the effort. You must both agree, all the fun you can manage, but no climax. Then have at it.
It is exciting (in every sense of the word) to see just how much you can make your partner beg and cry. Be careful, though. You want to push him or her as close to the edge as possible and then back away. Even if you give in, in the end, you will both be thrilled with the result.
Photo by Doug @ http://www.everystockphoto.com/photo.php?imageId=81337
You hit the nail on the head with avoiding the sexual places. A woman that laughs is 1/2 the way to an orgasm before you even touch her, relaxation is everything. Your fingers can make the seduction through caressing while you kiss and your partner will feel safe with letting go when you get to the ‘good’ stuff. In response to her satisfaction you should also let go and make loving sounds satisfied sounds and words so she knows she is pleasing you this will truly make her ‘hot’ as nobody wants to be trying their best and get no response other than the ‘cum grunt’ at the end of play.
Mutual satisfaction is easy in the beginning, when passion is constantly aflame and everything is new. Often when people pass out of that Honeymoon phase and into the day to day of a relationship, that passion is considered lost as part of the natural course of events. It takes an investment by both partners to keep those feelings alive over time. It is an investment most people seem unwilling or unable to make, even though it is really an insignificant price to pay for the incredible rewards that spring from it.
The magic doesn’t work if only one partner is willing. Who wants to spend a lifetime making an offering that is greedily accepted with no thanks and no reciprocity? Or only halfheartedly acknowledged?
You sound like you understand very well how seduction works and how important it is to a healthy sexual relationship. It’s sad that more people don’t feel free enough to express themselves in bed, in privacy with their most intimate partners. That is a place where there should be no barriers, no pretense and no fakery. You see how important it is to work with your partner, to be aware and responsive. That makes all the difference. Anyone can have sex. Not just anyone can attain those deeper levels of connection where things really start to get interesting. Good for you, Chris!