the only other one i feel like communicating was likely triggered by a radio program i had on for part of last night where a man was discussing ties between the nazarenes and nazis. i know there’s a lot of discussion in some circles about antarctica and nazis but this has never interested or intrigued me. but, the dream: i was with my mom and brother (all night and often lately. i wonder why i’m with them so much…guilt over neglect? : ) only if its a very deeply buried guilt.) we were in a grey, rundown country like poland (which may be triggered by reading about feynman’s journeys to lecture about physics and his lovely letters home) my mom and i shared a room and brother was down the hall. at times it felt like a small hotel and other times it was more like staying with a family (also reminiscent of feynman). we went out on a walking tour and saw buildings that were trashed utterly and i wondered why ppl would travel to such a hellhole in the first place, it being a very popular tourist spot. we’d passed some little cafes to approach the rubble and there were customers packing the small outdoor tables but almost noone on the bombed out street we were exploring. i approached one of the buildings to investigate and saw that the cornerstones were left sticking out of the tangles of cement and stone. in each of them was stamped a swastika. and i of course had the requisite confusion as to whether they werre swastikas proper or the german twisted version. i’m dyslexic that way. but in context i’m sure what i saw. we went on down the road and found a bunch of ppl in disguise as older black men. until one’s wig slipped and pulled away his sideburns. they were all really young latino and black boys. they were swarming outside the entrance to one building. they wanted us to go inside. we did. it was easy to get in and i don’t recall what happened in there, just that they seemed very hitler youth without the genetics or the clean perfectionism. i think they had a little set up in the basement of a wrecked building, card table, militia of boys standing about. i wanted out of there quite badly for some reason. while i think we walked in, the way out was a very small hole and i had to crawl thru. it started as a window and ppl were pissed b/c i simply gripped the frame (like a basement casement type window, low and narrow) and swung myself out and pulled myself thru. they’d wanted me to need and accept help and i wouldn’t. then there was a hole, a narrow tunnel of dirt and gravel out to the street, maybe 50 ft long. somehow i was backwards and the space was very constrictive and i began to feel exhausted crawling backwards as i could barely bend my legs and it was hard to breathe. i could feel panic creeping in around the edges of my perception and i didn’t want it there. i knew i wasn’t in danger but part of my mind kept screaming about not wanting to be there. so i tried to turn around where i could at least see outside. this took more time and a lot of effort and my energy was nearly gone. i’d almost begun to lose it when i was suddenly on the street again. i don’t know how i got out there.
back at the hotel things continued to be strange. we all went to bed after that experience and awoke when the concierge/host burst into our room with towels or something. i was pissed and very rude, asking what the hell he thought he was doing. he got indignant and suggested that ppl who slept so late couldn’t be bitchy. i looked at the computer and the tv screen, both on for some reason and both with frozen screens. they each said different times 2 something and 4 something am and i was like, whichever is right, you’re out of line mister. then i saw light coming from behind the curtains and was very confused. the screens had frozen at whatever time they’d been sitting (just like my satellite and computer do. i get confused then too.) the guy snottily informed me it was 4 in the Afternoon and something about meals being served. i was astounded. he left and we got up and prepared to rescue some of the day. meals seemed to be served in our room as soon as we got out of bed, like they turned our room into the dining room. it was super tiny and i don’t know how they fit five or six tables in there. ppl watched us the whole meal like we were aliens b/c we didn’t have their customs. my brother ended up at another table voluntarily tho i’m not sure why and we were seated with a woman stranger. then no one would get him water and he was choking so i got up and went to the bar and got him a pitcher of water, something that apparently Is Not Done. fuck them, he wanted water he was getting water. the rest of the meal went about that well and eventually we sort of gave up on getting food or decent treatment. there was a change of cast and i was with a group of friends. we wanted to go out exploring and wanted a picnic of sandwiches to take along so one of the guys and i went to the museum desk where we could find a living person to ask about this. this was the only really fancy part of the hotel, all exotic polished woods and tasteful lighting and expensive carvings on display for sale. of course i bumped the display table and shook the objects at front and the counter guy nearly had a heart attack. then he was haughty and mean and didn’t want to tell us how to find the kitchen, suggesting it was impossible to get a few sandwiches and what sort of People would ever conceive of such a thing. the dream faded out soon after.