This morning I woke when Jimmy began to toss and turn and started his whole leaving the bed procedure. I put his pillow over my head and tried to eek out every last second of the mere eight hours and fifteen minutes I was allowing myself in my attempt to earn more waking time and so work time. I was completely awake, then gone, asleep within the space of about a minute and a half.
I dove down so deep into dreaming that I was dead to the world. I entered a complicated dream where I was part of a large family, tending to their issues and repairing their misdeeds. One of my sisters was firing her live-in tennis coach, in spite of his effort and ability. Her shortcomings were completely her fault alone. I met him in the darkness of the stairs and offered my recommendation to his next position and my apologies for her and for my father, who totally indulged her. Then I went off, thinking of myself in the third person, to find the bathroom.
If you know me at all, you know this doesn’t end well. I have a looong history of confusing myself so thoroughly about reality that I cannot tell waking from sleeping life and vice versa. I have had incidents in both where I was unsure which situation ruled the moment. I entered the room, I checked the furniture. Aha! A trick. There were chairs in the room. I looked under the cushions and only one chair had a hole beneath the seat. That seemed wrong, so I went over and did what everyone does. I peed down the register. I peed all over everything, which, again, I have no pride, I have done in real life more times that I can count. I went to clean myself and the area, talked to the family briefly, then awoke. And realised I wet the bed.
Yep, almost 40 years old and I still have issues. I didn’t even need to go when J got up and still had to go when I reawoke. Why? WHY!? Between 15 to 30 mins had passed. I think I sleep so deeply at times that normal body signals can’t penetrate. Then I screwed myself up forever with reality checks, so now when I have to go my brain generates proof that I am completely awake and does all it can to trick me into going. It is so bad now that sometimes I can’t go in the real world because I sit down and I think “Is this real?” because I get this bizarre feeling that things may not be.