I knew this was going to be a bad day the second I woke. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I hid there as long as I could manage, then a little longer. I wanted to ~be~ the cheerful feeling of the bright sun, but I could feel the depression had already settled over me. In my sleep. I didn’t understand why this happened.
I didn’t know when I got up and started through my day that it wasn’t just the physical sensation of depression’s weight on me, suppressing my perceptions. It wasn’t just the controls on my emotions set to an unsustainable volume. It was the dangerous part of my personality, loose and very nearly in control.
She attempts to dismantle my life–coldly, systematically, brick by brick–until I am left with nothing. All I’m able to do is keep her quiet as long as I can. If pushed, she will win. It is what she does, which makes her this beautiful and necessary part of me. She is unfeeling and she needs absolutely no one. What’s harsher is that she doesn’t seem to need me all that much either. She is relentless and acts without pity. If she can’t take action on others, she’ll get to me. I prefer that. I can take it. I’m used to picking up pieces of me, repairing the damage. Other people don’t fix easily.
All I can do is isolate myself until things get back to a more acceptable degree of crazy. I went out to run, run her back into her box and lock her in there. So I drove myself as hard as I could, as long as I could, until I felt her start to pull away. Once she recedes to a certain distance, I can do more than hold a position. I get to become me again. And I can start to examine, understand why any of this happened.
I guess the past is a really dangerous place to visit, still. And I went too far yesterday and should have known better. I’m not ready to recall certain memories with a sense of distance and sentiment. I didn’t know that. It didn’t feel anything but nostalgic and a little sad in the moment. But it sent her out to stand guard. Which is great, but the people she wants to protect me from are gone, gone, gone. I know you’re listening in there. Destroying people I care about now is not protecting me.