This month has shown me a lot of firsts and surprises, both good and bad. I’ve gained my first followers on Twitter and my blog. I reached a point in meditation where the pain was mild and the sensations pleasant. One of my articles is #6 on Google search for the subject!
Work has been so hectic that I look forward to the time where I am not forced to constantly rush from project to project. Last night meditation was the last thing we did before bed and I took my seat, then broke down a little mentally. I’ve been rushing to fulfill the necessary paperwork for a new position while trying to keep up all my other projects and the stress grows by the day. I don’t have much free time and that has been complicated by the need to go to town almost every day this week for something that can’t wait, even though it’s the last thing I want to do.
I had government forms to complete that I was to take to a notary. Fantastic for me that the closest one, five minutes away, is part of a small town branch of a larger bank, right? Well, no. The woman who works there has other priorities when a customer visits. She enjoys treating me particularly rudely when I have to stop by to fax a document or get change. This time she interrogated me over my paperwork, then refused to do her job and notarize the documents. I ended up making a trip to the larger town nearby, where they only sort of did what I needed done, but at least they treated me well.
I don’t know what part is more frustrating, having to deal with the mentality that exists here that my personal business has to be fully disclosed before people will do their job, being looked at and spoken to by supposedly professional people in such a rude and dismissive manner, or that they act toward me at the same time like I have a gun trained on them below the counter/I am an utter piece of garbage. I have lived here over twenty years. I still get the “outsider” treatment. I don’t want any treatment and I don’t want to be friends and exchange gossip (not that they’re offering to be friends, they want the info for their own gossip). I want my banking done so I can get on with my day.
My new job is one I have been dreading for weeks. I need to make a living, but it may involve compromising some of my personal values. They seem to have no worth on the market, my values. Each day that passes I have to convince myself all over again why I bother. The hiring procedure is, at my best guess, about one fifth complete. It has involved three trips to town @ two hours each, a last minute demand that I appear for orientation tomorrow, so many phone calls that I have lost count and about three times that many emails. All for a part time job which I will probably soon find will not work with me on hours or scheduling. Companies make a lot of promises and I never trust I’ll find them fulfilled until they are.
What is sad is that it may not be a bad job, but the hassle factor is extreme. What people have to go through for simple employment these days is beyond unreasonable. And there’s a drug screen. Your body isn’t your own, your time off isn’t your own. It’s nice to feel inconvenienced, violated, guilty, and angry as you produce your fluids for a corporate ok. One of my few consolations is that I have thus far escaped a long slow factory death, one twelve hour shift at a time. The world couldn’t care less if we live well, or if we live at all.
But I’d been trying to talk about meditation. The catharsis worked in my favor and I was able to sink into one of the best sessions I’ve had since I began sitting. I was calm, my mind quiet. My breathing actually felt wonderful, like a treat, in a way normal breathing or gasping as I run never feels. And then came the disruptions…
We have a battery backup system hooked to our office equipment since the power here is sometimes flaky and whole documents can be lost in a second during the weekly brownouts and fades. The surges are also scary when the machines form half of our livelihoods. The box sits silently under the desk most of the time. Except at about one in the morning.
It never happens at the same time, unless I count the fact that it happens when we are at our most vulnerable, just tucked into bed, on the verge of sleep, focused on a project or slipping deep into meditation. Then the world goes NUCLEAR. The pack issues the most obnoxious and frightening electrical buzz, amplifies it through the desk speakers, and scares the piss out of anyone within one hundred feet. A series of clicks follows immediately, then, just when you think it’s over, GAAAZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZHHHHHHHHSSSSSHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH again, full volume. I swear to god I nearly had a heart attack. My eyes instantly popped open but wouldn’t focus. My brain was screaming alarm!! ALARM!!! We’re all about to DIE!!! While electric charges shot up and down my arms. Jesus.
Yesterday I got a very country style surprise. I couldn’t find my social security card. I looked in the few places I would keep it and had no luck. I then tore through everything. Thankfully, my partner asked a question that triggered my memory. I kept some items in my car for interviews months ago. I went to check. I didn’t find the card (that I’d put into a file folder where I’d have almost no hope of finding it), but I found several surprises in my back seat.
From when we used to travel to work together, my partner lost a couple of cough drops on the seat. These were melting into my upholstery. Thankfully, the ants were doing their best to get rid of the melt. They soon built a nest in the door frame, I suppose because of the bounty nearby. I hope they made room for the mouse which had also been living on my seat, under the divider tray from my trunk/back window. I didn’t have to worry the poor creatures were thirsty, because I also found one of J’s diet soda cans, blown apart by heat, torn and empty and also on my seat.
Outside, the honeysuckle bloomed and the fragrance fills the air in a very soft, subtle manner. We sampled the nectar from a few of the flowers, biting into the bitter petals, then used the surprisingly sweetened clover nectar to chase that flavor from our mouths. At night, the fireflies have been lighting up the darkness for several weeks.
Conditions have been perfect for the garden: hot, sunny days are interrupted by occasional drenchings of rain. For the first time ever we have one of the best gardens around. Usually our crops are pitiful and other people have lovely patches, overflowing with monster plants. We were very fortunate because, working from home, we were more attuned to the change in seasons and got our work started fast. We didn’t beat all of the rains, but since we planted early, we didn’t have to wait for things to dry to put most of our plants and seeds in, as many did.
Sometimes I wish for chocolaty treats…my Rice Dream bars that will never return…The city is far away and my sweets piles are depleted. Vegan candy bars are far too pricey or lack the melty goodness of milk chocolate. Rice cream is also scarce and expensive.
My diet is restricted to the point where I get frustrated that I have any weight problem at all. Our meals consist of tofu and rice or potatoes with several vegetables, too numerous in variety to mention, on the side. I can’t have 99.999% of the snacks and treats other people can because stores nearby don’t carry vegan versions. We limit snacks. I rarely drink and then only in strict moderation (one drink). I eat plenty, but I don’t believe I eat out of proportion or overeat, so I doubt I’m lacking calories. A single can of soda or a single cup of creamy coffee form my wasted calories on any particular day.